Emotional music began to play in the background.

“For just three dollars a month you could save humanity.” The music was growing to a climax as faces of impoverished people looked into the camera. “Without your donation a child will die every six minutes in the future. A child like Lisa.”

A blue eyed little girl stared into the camera. Suddenly, Anthony Warner reappeared, walked behind her and placed his arm on her frail shoulder. “With your donation Lisa doesn’t ever have to know hunger again. Remember, it’s never too late to change the future.”

“Dad, turn the channel! I don’t want to watch this while I eat!” Throwing her fork down the daughter looked at her mother. “Mom, tell him to change it!”

“Honey, it’s a little disturbing to watch this while we eat.”

“Uh-huh,” the father said as he changed the channel and continued eating his meatloaf.

“Tonight on Nova, how will the human race learn to cope with knowing the future.” A picture of a clock was shown spinning wildly out of control. A bearded man, sitting in front of a black board with complex equations spoke, “Carl Sagan said, ‘If we could travel into the past, it’s mind-boggling what would be possible. For one thing, history would become an experimental science…’ We are officially living in that era now.”

Another scientist, this one using grand hand gestures to make her point, was shown. “Think about it, with all the shifting paradoxes you could park your Mercedes at the grocery store and when you come back have it be a Ford Windstar. The possibilities are endless.”

“Already legislation is being heavily debated in Congress-”

The father turned the channel in boredom.

“Tonight,” a TV anchorman began, “we begin with a story of tragedy here in our own community. The victim, a twelve-year-old girl seriously injured as she left her school in neighboring Madison County. The suspect, a forty-seven year old claiming to be from the future.

Fortunately, we have footage of the incident. A brave News Center 11 citizen reporter happened to catch the whole thing on their cell phone. A warning however, the images you’re about to see are disturbing.”

“George?” The mother asked as she laid her fork down and stared at her husband.

“Hey, Chantel look over here!” The image on the TV bounced back and forth as a girl outside a school waved.

“Oh my God!” the girl suddenly said. “He’s got a gun!”

Zipping around the image came back into focus. An older man teetered into the frame and held up a gun.

“Hey, Miss President!” He slurred. “Or shoul’ I say, lil’ Lily Johnson.” A tiny little brunette turned away from her friends and looked at the man. Even with the grainy picture one could see the terror on her face when she saw the weapon. “My son die for you stupid war! Now I’m goin’ to pay the favor back. Who knows…maybe I’ll save em.”

Pulling the trigger a shot was heard. The little girl fell to the ground, her head hitting the pavement. At that point the cell phone was dropped and all one could hear was the screaming of children.

“The man gave himself up willingly,” the anchor said as his face returned to the screen. “Law enforcement is working with the Department of Time-Line Security to see if the man should be extradited to his own time for trial.”

“Turn it George,” the mother insisted. “The local news is nothing but doom and gloom.”

Flipping the channel, the husband settled on another commercial.

“Our law offices are dedicated to getting you the best deal available. Ninety-nine percent of our cases never go to trial, that’s because we take the time to not only research the specifics of your case, but also the future rulings. With our access to time traveling technology we can gage what the outcome will be-”

The father turned the television again. “I hate lawyer commercials,” he complained.

“A bunch of ambulance chasers if you ask me,” the mother commented.

“Hey watch it,” their son said. “Some of us have dreams of going to law school.”

“Pssh,” the father said as he waved the remote. He changed the channel again. “I can’t believe I have an aspiring lawyer for a son. Honey, if we’d had a daughter we wouldn’t have this problem.”

“Are you tired of not having enough money?” the TV blared. On the screen a young man turned out his pockets and frowned. “Sick of seeing everyone else get ahead while you struggle?” The image switched to a young woman pouring over bills in frustration. “Wish you could finally hit it big in the lottery?” Both the young man and woman nodded in agreement. “Now you can!” As the voice shouted money began to appear and surround the two actors. “We all know time travel can be expensive, but with seven easy installments of twenty-nine ninety-nine we’ll send one of our experts to the future and find the numbers for your fortune!”

Basking in the light of the television the family ate their meatloaf. One moment there was a family of three, the next a family of four, the next only a childless widow. Finally, the image settled back on a mother, father, and daughter watching a commercial.

Money continued to pile up around the man and woman on television. In happiness only possible on TV they gave each other a high five. Facing the screen both announced with glee, “The future never looked so bright!”

In this respect we all have something to envy Americans. Their optimism, confidence and all-round belief in their own excellence allows them to take this cringe worthy process and gleefully run with it. For the average (and I mean that emphatically,) Briton there are few things more excruciating. From the outset, this exercise in self-congratulation goes against the very sinews of ‘Britishness’. Take one website’s caveat for writing a covering letter:

“If you cannot make your cover letter great, the employer has no reason to believe you will do great work for the organisation either.”

The problem with this statement lies in one five-letter word: “Great”. It is not a word we Brits like to bandy about as west-coast Americans do with “Awesome”. Truly “Great” people lose said “Greatness” the second they admit to it! Take for instance a modern-day hero: Sir Ranulph Feinnes. No novelist would dare write the CV of their most garish lead character with half the accreditations that embody Sir Ranulph’s. “First man to completely cross Antarctica on foot”; “First person to visit both the North and South Poles by surface means”; “Oldest Briton to reach the summit of Mt. Everest”; he is even awarded the title of “World’s Greatest Living Adventurer” by the Guinness Book Of Records! Great. Great. Great!…But if he dares to admit to his greatness he will lose his Knighthood, notepad and knackers to the ruthless British public…and probably be exiled too, although I can think of fewer people more prepared to live out their days in adventure and travel. It is for these reasons (braving frostbite shows he treasures his notepad over his knackers for sure!) that Sir Ranulph makes modest comment towards his truly exceptional life so far.

And yet! A 25 year old from a relatively small town once voted “33rd Worst Place to Live in England”, with very little admitted life experience and a couple of pieces of paper to justify 5 years work at university, must now step up to the mantel and tell “Mr New York Times” just exactly WHY he is the most fantastic person in the world! And ignore that Feinnes fella…he’s full of crap!” Truly a mad escapade brim-full of as much enjoyment as running five fingernails slowly down the length of a blackboard!

So, in protest, I have decided to put together my own version of the ‘accepted vernacular’ covering letter. Brutal honesty should be an Olympic sport! As such, Team GB would take Gold, Silver and Bronze by default every time by making the other competitors weep to the familiar ringing sound of “I’m just saying”. For this reason I present “My (Brutally) Honest (Yet Truthfully Poor) Covering Letter.”

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing to you today because I am hoping against hope that you will recognise a desperate man’s plea for work in the first line of this Covering Letter – the only line of which you are, not doubt, likely to read whilst dismissing reams of tear-stained letters with the seasoned flick of a callously licked finger. I have been trying for months now to find a job and I came across this position (posted 3 weeks ago) today whilst trawling the local newspaper for jobs similar to, but infinitely more interesting than, this one I found.

I am a keen admirer of your company as it just so happens that you have low standards and are employing whilst I’m looking to be employed. You’re most noteworthy successes, however, came to my attention in the twenty minutes I spent researching the company after spending half an hour looking for the blasted website on Google. The range of Staff Writers you offer your readers is truly quite astonishing. On a steep continuum from ‘overly enthusiastic users of tired sporting clichés’ to ‘near-brilliant but even more near-suicidal cultural commentators’ you offer your reader a full spectrum of budding pessimism. I wouldn’t normally say anything but since I’m on the subject; my place in your little ‘outfit’ is not only vacant but entirely necessary it seems. Without a short sharp burst of optimism my only prognosis for your company, and your readers, is “imminent Grayness with lashings of Gray all over!” Why your writers seem to think the world needs to be reminded of its bleakness in every paragraph I have no idea, but somebody needs to tell them there are such things as Tom & Jerry, sunsets and guilt-free orgasms to wash down the day-to-day drudgery we are all faced with. I truly admire your persistence with their employment.

Why am I your ideal candidate? That is a tough question. Aside from the aforementioned optimism which seeps out of my pores like sweat in the Soweto, I would say that I am fairly average in actual fact. Just because I see the good where there is bad doesn’t so much signify a shift in post-modern thought as much as it signifies a fatigue of pessimism and a desire to LOOK for the good where I can. As you can see from my (pitifully short, yet painstakingly prepared) CV I don’t really have the desired “experience” for the usual Staff Writer position. You know this. I know this. So let’s move on! You, no doubt, have a number of very experienced staff writers eager to be in your employ but just think how incredible it would be to give somebody with no experience…some experience!?!?!! Imagine what that would do the cosmos!! Fish would walk on land and mankind would inhabit Neptune’s briny kingdom. OR, you would do a budding writer, with shedloads of experience-defying-Enthusiasm a massive favour he would never forget you for. Think about that the next time you hire the guy because of their “life experience”.

I should round this up now by giving you my contact information because that’s what all the “templates” say I should do. On my CV you have my home phone number, my work phone number, my mobile number, my friend’s mobile number, my email and (tortuously named) ‘snail-mail’ address. Should you need more ways of contacting me about a potential job then please feel free to contact a psychic medium. I will be on the well-trodden ethereal plane of hope/desperation/hunger (contact your Psychic Operator for a good connection). If you have made it to this part of my covering letter then I feel the need to thank you profusely for your time and I hope that you don’t consider it wasted.

As ever, I sincerely hope to hear from you soon.

Yours Faithfully and Grovellingly,

A. Scott

A BILL TO PROTECT THE INTEGRITY OF PATENT AND TRADEMARK LAWS THROUGH THE ABOLITION OF SATIRICAL AND IRONIC REPRESENTATIONS IN ALL FORMS OF MEDIA

HEARING

BEFORE THE

SUBCOMMITTEE ON INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY, COMPETITION, AND THE INTERNET,

OF THE

COMMITTEE OF THE JUDICIARY

HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES

ONE HUNDRED TWELFTH CONGRESS

SECOND SESSION

JANUARY 22, 2012

LAMAR DREG, Oklahoma, Chairman

CYNTHIA PRUNE, New York

EZEKIAL PARSONS, Pennsylvania

JONATHON GOELZ, Nebraska

ELIZABETH BERGMAN, Illinois

HARVEY ENTSFIELD, Hawaii

ROBERT DERGIN JR., California

EMILY POE, California

PETER FERNANDEZ, Georgia

BARBARA GREY, Delaware

HENRY GOLDMAN, Texas

LORANCE ERIE, Kansas

BRETT SPRINGFIELD, Louisiana

ALBERT ABERDEAN, Massachusetts

ALICE TORRANCE, Maryland

EMILY ALBRIGHT, Nevada

JEBIDIAH DUTCH, Utah

TINA CHU, Colorado

ERNEST BEARDSLY, New Jersey

JAVIER SUAREZ, Florida

ELANOR BROWN, Florida

EASTERN WILD TURKEY, Virginia

HARPER BRUSH 18-INCH PUSH BROOM, Arizona

WITNESSES

Mr. Clive Richardhead, President and Chief Executive Officer, The Defense of Integrity in Commerce Coalition (DICC)

Ms. Veronica Backside, President and Chief Executive Officer, Association for the Security of Honorably Operated and Licensed Engagements (ASHOLE)

Ms. Gloria Totenberg, Professor of Law, Georgetown University Law Center

MR. DREG. The Subcommittee Intellectual Property, Competition, and the Internet will come to order.

I will recognize myself for an opening statement.

Today we begin the examination of H.R. 7235, a bill to make illegal all forms of satirical and ironic references of patented and trademarked items.

This is an important hearing on a serious subject, and I look forward to the testimony of our witnesses.

This concludes my opening remarks. I now recognize the gentleman from Virginia and the author of this bill, Mr. Turkey.

MR. TURKEY. Gobble gobble gobble. Peck peck. Gobble gobble gobble gobble? Gobble gobble!

Gobble gobble gobble gobble peck gobble. Gobble!

[Transcriber’s note: at this point, Mr. Turkey stared blankly at the ceiling for three minutes before continuing.]

Gobble gobble gobble peck peck gobble. Ruffle ruffle gobble. Gobble gobble gobble gobble. Peck.

MR. DREG. I think Mr. Turkey did an excellent job of clarifying his position, as well as eloquently reiterating how important it is for the subcommittee to thoroughly understand the finer points of this bill.

I recognize the lady from New York, Ms. Prune.

MS. PRUNE. Thank you Mr. Chairman.

Continuing along Mr. Turkey’s same vein, this subcommittee has a bill before it that would enshrine the integrity of the United States’ patent and trademark laws for as long as the Union stands. We have the unprecedented opportunity to pass the gift of intellectual and property security to our children and grandchildren.

For too long have satirists stolen and altered legally protected material for their own benefit. Writers, commentators, and comedians have unlawfully integrated this material into their books, movies, television shows, and standup routines with impunity and without paying royalties.

Contrary to what the satirists may want you to believe, this wholesale intellectual bank robbery has not just been a good-natured ribbing, ladies and gentlemen of the subcommittee. These unabashed thieves have used legally protected material to make themselves rich by selling their books, DVDs, and whatnot for truly gratuitous profits.

Furthermore, they have willfully and maliciously distorted the public’s perception of the integrity of countless hard working, valuable, and beneficial American corporations, affecting their profit margins in the most concrete terms, and crippling their ability to provide the products and services that provide incalculable gain to the common good.

I wholeheartedly urge the members of this subcommittee to recommend the forwarding of this bill to the House floor in its present form.

I yield to our Chairman.

MR. DREG. Thank you, Ms. Prune.

I recognize Mr. Grey from Delaware.

MR. GREY. Thank you, Mr. Chairman.

I want the record to show that I absolutely agree with everything that my colleague from New York just said.

MR. DREG. Would the gentleman from Delaware yield to the gentleman from Arizona for his opening statement, or is there more that he would like to add?

MR. GREY. Certainly. I have concluded my opening statement.

MR. DREG. Thank you Mr. Grey.

I recognize the gentleman from Arizona, Mr. Push Broom.

MR. PUSH BROOM.

[Transcriber’s note: Mr. Push Broom remained silent for the duration of his opening statement. He did, however, slowly slide off his chair until he hit the floor with a loud clatter.]

MR. DREG. Thank you Mr. Push Broom.

Are there any other members of the subcommittee that would like to make opening statements? No? OK. Let’s get on with the witness testimony then.

Mr. Richardhead, the floor is yours.

MR. RICHARDHEAD. Thank you, Mr. Dreg.

First of all, I would like to thank the members of the subcommittee for allowing my organization to give its testimony on such an important matter. The Defense of Integrity in Commerce Coalition, or DICC…

MR. DREG. Pardon the interruption Mr. Richardhead, but for the subcommittee’s clarification, does your organization spell out its acronym, or does it pronounce it as one word?

MR. RICHARDHEAD. No problem. We pronounce it as one word. We believe our organization is easier to remember that way.

MR. DREG. Thank you Mr. Richardhead.

MR. RICHARDHEAD. My pleasure, Mr. Dreg.

As I was saying, DICC is composed of a whole range of corporations from across the entirety of the business community. Our members include General Electric, AIG, McDonald’s, Wal-Mart, IBM, FedEx, Apple, Nike—basically all of the largest American companies with the highest number of patents filed with the United States Patent and Trademark Office.

Our members’ main concern is the infringement on their private property rights by a veritable host of satirists. These exceptionally unethical individuals have wantonly stolen from the American people. Furthermore, they have used their positions to deceive and swindle a misinformed population.

Not only do the satirists make themselves rich by refusing to pay royalties on the income they derive from using my clients’ brand names, but they also do immeasurable damage to their bottom lines by assaulting their perfectly legal business practices.

I urge the members of this subcommittee to enforce this great nation’s copyright laws and come to the rescue of these defenseless companies by supporting H.R. 7235. I thank you for your time, ladies and gentlemen.

MR. DREG. And thank you, Mr. Richardhead. Ms. Backside, you may present your statement to the subcommittee.

MS. BACKSIDE. Thank you, Mr. Dreg.

Good morning to everyone. My name is Veronica Backside and I am the President of the Association for the Security of Honorably Operated and Licensed Engagements, or the ASHOLE.

MR. DREG. And you pronounce every letter in your organization’s name?

MS. BACKSIDE. That’s right.

MR. DREG. Very well.

MS. BACKSIDE. We are a grass roots movement that seeks to protect the property rights of American businesses. We are specifically concerned with the unlawful use copyrighted material.

MR. DREG. I must ask your pardon once more Ms. Backside, but is your group affiliated with Mr. Richardhead’s organization?

MS. BACKSIDE. No sir. The ASHOLE is not directly affiliated with DICC. However, we do occasionally work on similar projects. We also have a long-standing exchange program wherein we’ll insert DICC members directly into the ASHOLE’s operations.

MR. DREG. OK. Please continue.

MS. BACKSIDE. As I was saying, we are an association made up of thousands of concerned Americans citizens. We stage protests, conduct letter-writing campaigns, and participate in marches that further our goal of protecting American businesses from unethical practices.

MR. DREG. So you are a populist movement that seeks to protect the interests of the business sector?

MS. BACKSIDE. Business, manufacturing, and finance.

MR. DREG. I see.

MS. DREG. And as the representative of all ASHOLE members across the United States, I sincerely ask the subcommittee to support H.R. 7235, and ensure that it winds up on the House floor for a vote.

MR. DREG. Thank you, Ms. Backside. We will now hear the testimony of Ms. Totenberg, a professor at Georgetown Law School, and an expert in trademark and copyright law.

MS. TOTENBURG. Uh, thank you Mr. Dreg. I’m having a little bit of a tough time comprehending exactly what’s going on in this subcommittee hearing. Are you seriously considering stepping on the First Amendment rights of the American people?

MS. BACKSIDE. Not the American people! The satirists! The satirists are stepping on the Fifth Amendment Rights of businesses…

MR. DREG. Order! There will be no speaking out of turn in this hearing. Continue, Ms. Totenberg.

MS. TOTENBERG. The Fifth Amendment protects private property from government unlawful seizure. It has nothing to do with copyright infringement.

But to the point, I’m really a little speechless here. There’s never been a precedent for such a blatant disregard for guaranteed constitutional freedoms. I really don’t know what to say…

MR. DREG. Well, if that concludes your testimony, Ms. Totenberg, then we’ll get on with subcommittee procedure. All those in favor of H.R. 7235 in its present form, please say “aye.”

[Transcriber’s note: 22 members of the subcommittee responded with “aye.” MR. PUSHBROOM abstained.]

MR. DREG. Very well. We will report our findings to the Committee on the Judiciary. This concludes all subcommittee business for today.

CONGRESSIONAL RECORD

PROCEEDINGS AND DEBATES OF THE 112TH CONGRESS, SECOND SESSION

WASHINGTON, FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 17 2012

HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES

MORNING-HOUR DEBATE

The House met at 10 a.m. and was called to order by THE SPEAKER.

THE SPEAKER. Good morning. The House is now called to order. Today we will begin the debate on H.R. 7235, A BILL TO PROTECT THE INTEGRITY OF PATENT AND TRADEMARK LAWS THROUGH THE ABOLITION OF SATIRICAL AND IRONIC REPRESENTATIONS IN ALL FORMS OF MEDIA.

Pursuant Article 12, Section 4, Clause 7 of the House floor debate bylaws, I will allocate the opening remarks of the debate to the Party as per the usual means. Is the Keeper of the Ostriches…umm Ostrich. Ostrichi?

MR. BAILY. Ostriches.

THE SPEAKER. Is the Keeper of the Ostriches present?

MR. BAILY. I am.

THE SPEAKER. Excellent. Pursuant Article 12, Section 4, Clause 7, the Keeper will release the fourteen ostriches onto the House floor on my order. The Party that captures at least eight of the ostriches—i.e. a majority—will be allocated the opening remarks. Mr. Baily?

MR. BAILY. Yes sir.

THE SPEAKER. Release the ostriches.

MR. BAILY. Very well, sir.

[Transcriber’s note: Upon the release of the ostriches, the House floor was immediately obscured by a flurry of feathers and dust as the Representatives scrambled to wrestle down the animals. By the time they were all captured, the chamber was in shambles. Upturned desks, broken chairs, and bleeding, moaning Congresspersons lay strewn across the room.]

THE SPEAKER. Have all the ostriches been captured?

MR. BAILY. They have, Mr. Speaker.

THE SPEAKER. OK. Ms. Hogan, how many ostriches has your Party captured?

MS. HOGAN (SOUTH DAKOTA, D). Seven, Mr. Speaker.

THE SPEAKER. Shit… And Mr. Doherty, how many ostriches has your party captured?

MR. DOHERTY (OHIO, R). Seven as well, Mr. Spearker.

THE SPEAKER. Well, damn it all. Each party captured an equal number of ostriches.

MS. HOGAN (SOUTH DAKOTA, D). What do we do now, Mr. Speaker?

[Transcriber’s note: There was a slight pause while THE SPEAKER collected his thoughts.]

THE SPEAKER. I’ll tell you what, the first Party to kill all its ostriches will be given the opening remarks.

[Transcriber’s note: The fourteen ostriches were quickly bludgeoned to death].

THE SPEAKER. Mr. Baily.

MR. BAILY. Sir.

THE SPEAKER. Which Party killed all of its ostriches first?

MR. BAILY. No idea, sir.

THE SPEAKER. God damn everything. Fine. The first party to bring me a wood chip gets the opening remarks.

[Transcriber’s note: A Representative from each Party sprinted out of the room. Several minutes passed while the other Members anxiously waited for their return. Finally, the Republican runner burst back into the chamber, followed closely by the Democrat. He raced down the aisle and slapped the wood chip down on THE SPEAKER’s podium with a loud huff.]

THE SPEAKER. The Republicans get the opening remarks.

[Transcriber’s note: A celebratory whoop rose from the Republican ranks].

MR. DOHERTY (OHIO, R). Thank you, Mr. Speaker.

I would like to begin by hearkening back to the Founding Fathers of this country. Those great, wise men—those giants upon whose shoulders we have the privilege to stand—were intimately aware of the power God’s hand plays in the deliberation of any important decision. I ask God’ guiding grace to help this chamber make the best possible decision in regard to the bill it has before it. So, before we being, I would like to perform a quick ritual.

[Transcriber’s note: MR. DOHERTY (OHIO, R) removed a Eucharistic bowl and chalice of wine from under his coat jacket and placed them on the podium.]

MR. DOHERTY (OHIO, R). I would like to call all True Believer Republicans, regardless of their religion or beliefs, to come up to the podium and receive the grace of their one true God and Savior Jesus Christ.

[Transcriber’s note: The Republican members of the House shuffled up to the podium, received the Eucharist and sacramental wine, and shuffled back to their seats. MR. DOHERTY (OHIO, R) then brought out a large bucket filled with holy water, turned to the Representatives on the Democratic side of the aisle, and proceeded to douse them with its contents].

MR. DOHERTY (OHIO, R). The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!

Oh God, I also ask that you remove the sin and filth emanating from the Democratic members of this chamber, and that you keep the Republican True Believers safe from their corrupting ways. Protect us from their evil. Save us from the malevolence they wish to bring down upon the American people. Grant your all-saving grace to the Republican True Believers, and cast the unholy Democratic fiends out of this House during the next election cycle.

Thank you, Mr. Speaker. That concludes my opening remarks.

THE SPEAKER. Very well, Mr. Doherty. Ms. Hogan, you have the floor.

MS. HOGAN (SOUTH DAKOTA, D). Thank you, Mr. Speaker.

I have brought something along with me, something that I believe best cuts through all the rhetorical fog, and shows the American people exactly what is going on in their country.

[Transcriber’s note: MS. HOGAN (SOUTH DAKOTA, D) raised a poster of a golden retriever puppy being eaten by a king cobra.]

MS. HOGAN (SOUTH DAKOTA, D). This snake is Big Business in the United States. The puppy is the American people. The American people are being eaten alive by Big Business, but only after they were injected with the venom of unethical business practices.

This grass is the American workers’ union. It has been trampled upon by the Snake of Big Business. This tree is the American economy. It’s buffeted by the gale force winds of corporate corruption. This shrub is the working poor. It is slowly dying because the sunlight of education is being blocked by the economy-tree. This cloud is the evaporated dreams of the middle class. It is being blown out of existence by the corruption-wind.

As illustrated in the poster, all of this great country’s ills—from its languishing education system, to its disappearing middle class, to the bleak economy—stem solely from the Big Business cobra—a cobra bred and protected by the Republican Party.

The Republicans want the puppy to die! The Republicans want all puppies to die. They hate puppies! I want every Democratic member of this House to fully understand the danger all puppies are in.

I propose that we save this puppy from the Grand Old Party, squash the evil snake under the boot of truth and righteousness, and lead the American people into a new utopian phase of sunshine, light cool breezes, and happy puppies.

This concludes my remarks, Mr. Speaker. Thank you.

MR. TURKEY (VIRGINIA, R). Gobble gobble gobble gobble!

THE SPEAKER. I would like to remind the Congressman from Virginia to please not speak out of his turn. Thank you. Mr. Carr, you have the floor.

MR. CARR (OREGON, D). Thank you, Mr. Speaker.

As we all know, protecting this country’s natural resources is one of the most important jobs this chamber is tasked with. I have the honor and the pleasure to have the mighty Columbia River, one of the great nation’s greatest natural wonders, flow right down the middle of my district.

Unfortunately, the Columbia’s waters are being threatened by massive amounts of pollution. If we do not do something to stop the degradation of this river, the effects on the region’s entire ecosystem would be catastrophic.

Therefore, I propose an amendment to H.R. 7235 stipulating that federal funding be allocated to protecting the Columbia River safely behind a dam to be built in my district.

That is all, Mr. Speaker. Thank you.

THE SPEAKER. Thank you Mr. Carr. The Chair recognizes Mr. Carney from Ohio.

MR. CARNEY (OHIO, R). Thank you, Mr. Speaker.

I just want to make clear how sick I am of all this government waste. Everywhere I look, there are copious amounts of taxpayer dollars being thrown away by inept government bureaucrats! Even in this chamber, all I can see is waste, waste, waste! I was sent here by the fine people of Ohio to do something about it.

[Transcriber’s note: MR. CARNEY (OHIO, R) pulled a .45 caliber revolver from his pants pocket as the other Congressmen hid in panic behind their desks].

MR. CARNEY (OHIO, R). And that’s exactly what I’m going to do. We’re spending gratuitous amounts of money paying this chamber’s electric bill. That’s money we’ve pulled right our of the American people’s wallets. Well, this outright thievery ends today.

[Transcriber’s note: MR. CARNEY (OHIO, R) shot out half of the chamber’s lights, reloaded, and shot out the other half—plunging the room into darkness].

MR. CARNEY (OHIO, R). I can go home tonight knowing that I’ve done my duty.

Thank you, Mr. Speaker. That concludes my remarks.

THE SPEAKER. Thank you, Mr. Carney. The Chair now recognizes the gentlewoman from Idaho.

[Transcriber’s note: MS. PRUDENCE (IDAHO, I) turned on a flashlight and carefully picked her way to the podium over the upturned desks and dead animals that littered the floor.]

MS. PRUDENCE (IDAHO, I). Thank you, Mr. Speaker.

What are we doing? Truly. What are we doing? Has this House lost sight of its mission? Have we become so caught up in partisan politics that we forgot our constitutionally mandated duties to the American people?

I wish to remind the members of this chamber that the reason we have gathered today is not to score petty points against the opposing party, or blindly follow arcane, pointlessly bureaucratic rules. We are here to debate and vote upon legislation that has real implications on the lives of our constituents. I motion that we stop the theatre, quit grandstanding, and actually get to down the business that the American people placed us here to do. Can we please just get started on the actual debate of this bill?

Thank you.

THE SPEAKER. Ah yes, the debate. Does any Congressperson have something substantive to say about the bill before the House?

[Transcriber’s note: Only the sound of MR. MERRICK (VERMONT, D) tripping over a dead ostrich disturbed the chamber’s silence.]

THE SPEAKER. Right. Would any member like to place a motion for the bill to be put to a vote?

MR. TURKEY (VIRGINIA, R). Gobble! Peck! Gobble!

MR. LEVINE (NEVADA, D). Seconded.

THE SPEAKER. H.R. 7235 is now up to a vote.

[Transcriber’s note: H.R. 7235 passed by a vote of 433 yeas, 1 nay (MS. PRUDENCE (IDAHO, I)), and 1 abstention (MR. PUSH BROOM (ARIZONA, R)).]

THE SPEAKER. H.R. 7235 has passed. Satire is now illegal in the United States. Have a good weekend everybody.